Things That Don't Make Sense... and Trying to Make Sense of Them

It's been almost a week now.  Thanksgiving holiday was approaching and I awoke early Sunday morning.  I had spent Saturday evening having dinner with a friend.  We had such a nice time getting caught up on each other's news, chatting about new revelations in our lives and encouraging each other in meeting new challenges and making big changes.  It was after 11:00 pm before we knew it and I made the drive home - getting in bed by midnight. 

My plan was to get up early, get showered and dressed (49ers shirt, crop jeans, Converse sneakers are the costume for the day) and try to beat the crowds at Trader Joe's.  I will get my holiday dinner shopping done early, spend a few hours relaxing and watching my recorded shows from the week, and then head over to Stacey's as she invited me over for a little football viewing party.

Shopping is a success.  I got a brined, 18 lb turkey, scored some Egg Nog and Pumpkin ice cream to go with the Pumpkin Crisp Cake I was going to make, bought some extra items for the OC Food Bank collection box outside the store - and splurged for the decadent English Toffee and some Peppermint Bark Waffle Crisps.  It's always a relief to get a big task taken off your list and have time to spare.  I was home putting the groceries away.  Made room in the fridge for the big turkey, got the wine chilling, then my phone rang.  It was Stacey's friend, Karen.  Oh, she must be feeling better.  Maybe she is going to join us for football?  "Hi, Karen!"  She still sounds a little under the weather.  I can't really remember her exact words but she sounded very serious - speaking slowly.  "I am at Stacey's.  Her son was in a car accident this morning.  He passed away."  What?!  What?!  My stomach shrank and fell out of my body onto the floor.  I am having a hard time even processing what she just said.  "Oh my God!"  Which son?  She has three.  I am so shocked that I am blanking on her son's name.  "Josh?  The son that lives with her?"  She said, "That's her older son.  It was Nick."  "Oh my God.... I don't even know what to say!  This is horrible!"  We both start sobbing and my mind is flooded with visions and memories of Stacey's sweet son, Nicholas.  How can this be?  This day that started out very orderly with the most efficiently executed plan was now derailed into something quite different.

"I don't think we're going to be watching football."  "Of course not - does she still want me to come over?  Please ask her if she wants me to come.  If she is too overwhelmed, I understand, but just let her know that if she wants me to come, I will."  "I will ask her and text you."  Sobbing, we hang up.  About a minute later, Karen texts:  She wants you to come.  I run upstairs to take off the 49ers shirt and put on something else.  I phoned my friend, Tracy, to let her know what had happened and she said she would meet me there.  How am I going to be strong for her?  This is every parent's worst nightmare.  I feel like my emotions are complely short-circuiting.  I went from feeling elated, accomplished, optimistic, excited - to feeling shock, confusion, disbelief, and sorrow for my sweet friend who has just received devastating news.  Talk about putting things into perspective - instantaneously.  Any worriesome thoughts or concerns of my own have been numbed out.

I arrived at Stacey's apartment.  Karen is there, Stacey's boyfriend, Rick.  Stacey is on the sofa on Skype with her family in Greece.  I hug Karen and Rick and go to the sofa and sit next to Stacey.  She is relaying the story to her mother and sister, speaking Greek, introducing me to them.  All I can do is hug her and tell her I am sorry and I am there.  Her brother is on his way - driving from northern California.  Her two older sons are making plans to fly in from Boston.  Her parents are elderly and not well so her sister will be the only one coming from Greece.  Between the three of them, I begin to piece the story together.  Nick was out with his friends Saturday evening.  He was at one of their homes and either stayed up or slept until 4:00 AM when he started driving home - apparently, to get some sleep before having to get up for work.  Witnesses on the freeway said that he started swerving and it appeared that he fell asleep.  He went off the freeway at El Toro Road - he went over the side of the road, his car rolling across El Toro and slamming violently into the concrete retaining wall at the I-5 South on ramp on El Toro - around 4:30 AM..  It was a horrible and violent death.  The Coroner/Sheriff knocked on her door at 8:00 AM delivering this shocking news - all while Stacey's mom and sister were still live via Skype and could hear the screams of a horrified and grief-stricken mother.

Tracy arrived and we spent the afternoon consoling and supporting Rick and Stacey as she searched for Nick's close friends on Facebook so that she could ask them to call her.  She wanted to deliver the news herself before they read about it online.  Ex-girlfriends, childhood friends, schoolmates... each one shocked and crying out in grief with the news.  Stacey is remarkably strong for them.  Other friends start arriving along with three friends from her church offering support, bringing food.  She is already in contact with her priest and beginning the process of planning a memorial service for her son.

I have known Stacey for just under a year.  We met on SuperBowl Sunday at a local sports bar.  My friends and I were sending Jello Shots back and forth with her and she came over to meet and chat and we've been great friends ever since.  I have come to know her as a very sweet, genuine, kind, and generous woman.  She had met Karen a few months prior - at the same bar - at the beginning of football season.  She met her boyfriend, Rick, soon after.  I remember her saying, "It's hard to make new friends - I'm so glad we met."  The universe knew.  Stacey was going to need an extra network of support.  Her older boys lived on the east coast, her brother and other family members all a great distance away.

What do you say to your sweet friend who has just lost her baby to a devastating car accident?  He fell asleep - and now he is gone.  They were so close.  Stacey made sure she was home on Sunday evenings to make dinner and have family time with Nick.  She is a nursing student and Nick was also attending college.  He was a remarkable athelete; a star football player from Pop Warner all the way to high school.  Injuries kept him from going forward with a football career.  I first met Nick at Stacey's birthday dinner in February.  He was with his girlfriend and they were so adorable together.  they were chatting and laughing and seemed to enjoy each other's company so much.  He was very tall and handsome.  I told him that he looked just like Rick Fox from the Lakers.  He said that people say that a lot - he had pics of Rick Fox in his phone.  He reminded me so much of my own son; he was happy to spend the day with his mom and her friends.  We went to a concert in the park "taste of Rancho" festival earlier this year and he spent the whole day with us.  There were food vendors and other merchandise booths and one was a fitness training company.  Stacey and Nick did a mother/son "plank challenge" together.  I saw him other times at Stacey's and he was always sweet, polite, friendly, and charming.  I remember picking Stacey up one evening and, as we were driving out of the apartment complex, we saw Nick coming in and we stopped so Stacey could tell him she would be home later.  He waved to us and said, "I love you guys."

I had told my son about Nick and said that I hoped he could meet him some time - "He's just like you."  They have the same, kind, sweet soul.  The kind of kid that everyone loves.  Always a bright smile, great sense of humor.  Everyone wants to be around someone like that; to be in their light.

Now he is gone.  Searching for the right words.  Wanting to be there for my friend and say the right thing to ease her pain and help her try to make sense of the unthinkable.  Sitting across the table from her - "This is why we met.  You met Karen, then me and my friends, then Rick.  The universe knew that this was coming and you would need friends around you for support."  It all just fell into place.  Very timely and orderly.  Like my morning shopping outing; up and dressed for the day.  I knew I needed to get a head start on the day - but the universe had a different reason.  A different day altogether.  Inspiration.  Order.  Disruption.  Chaos.  Working our way back to inspiration and order.  "Maybe his soul had reached some sort of completion?  Maybe it was just his time?  There's a bigger picture that we can't wrap our minds around right now - but his soul knows.  I don't think that he would be taken if it wasn't his time to go." 

Trying hard to search within my own heart for some sense of order in this grave disorder.  Wouldn't there have been some sort of intervention to save him if it wasn't his time?  This was a very sudden, swift departure.  He went to sleep and went to God.  Did it have to be so violent?  Trying to do the right, responsible thing - driving home to get ready for work and, in an instant, he dozes off and meets a devastating, violent end to his young life (he was 22).  There will be an investigation and autopsy.  The mortician says that his body is so devastated that they can't even put clothes on him.    He is identified by his fingerprints and tattoos; his face is unrecognizable.  A mother, so crushed with grief and longing for closure and needing to hold her son once more.  The mortician allows her to visit his body which is covered with a sheet - she is advised not to look upon her son's face and body.  She is grateful to be near him - to simply hold his hand, touch his toes.  She is brave and determined to be with her son - to say her goodbyes, tell him she is so sorry that this happened to him, rest in peace my sweet son.  Mommy misses you so much.

She is wearing his clothes and sleeping in his bed.  Do whatever it is that brings you comfort.  They were able to recover some of his personal items but there are still things missing that she must try to find.  His watch, his cross necklace engraved with his name - all lost in the impact of the crash.  She wants us to meet at the site to search the area to see if we can find Nick's belongings.  Precious pieces of a life.  Things to look upon and hold.  Personal things still holding his energy.

The memorial service and burial arrangements are complete.  Family, friends, co-workers, teachers, coaches - all ready to gather and say goodbye to a beautiful, young soul.  The viewing is tomorrow evening and the funeral Monday morning.  Being a single mom and nursing student, Stacey is not financially prepared for this.  A friend of hers told us about a fund raising website where we could network and help her raise money for Nick's memorial service.  I set it up last Wednesday and it has already raised over $6,500 which will be a great help to her.  The costs will likely exceed $10,000 so we are continuing to share the fund link via social media and wherever possible.  He was loved by so many and it has been amazing to see the thoughtfulness and generosity of people he touched in his life. 

Nicholas Thomas Memorial Fund

http://www.gofundme.com/hs1db4

Garth Brooks - "Mom"

For Stacey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyWADizqtHk

Awakening the Seed of Life, the song of the Dolphins and Whales... and Alchemy

I spent the day last Saturday with 20+ lovely ladies at a spiritual retreat in San Clemente.  The facilitator, Robbyne La Plant (WhiteWolfJourneys.com), has been a spiritual advisor to my awesome chiropractor and, on my last visit, she invited me to come along with her to this retreat.  Robbyne has been all over the world and has visited many spiritually charged locations and has studied the spiritual practices/philosophies of many cultures including Native American.  The focus of the group was the sacred power of the year 2014 (reduces to the number 7) and awakening the Seed of Life to usher in growth and change in the coming year.

As the ladies started to arrive, we were invited to stop at the cleansing bowl of water with rose petals, exhale into our hands to release any worries, concerns, or anything that is weighing heavy on our hearts - then wash our hands in the rose water to leave that energy at the door.  We gathered in a circle of the living room of our hostess' home - the coffee table turned into an "altar" of items placed by each of the ladies to be "charged" by the high vibrational energy about to be created by the group.  There were crystals, jewelry, statues, candles... I placed my silver Claddagh ring and my crystal from Sedona.

Our first of many meditations began with the question, "Am I living the best of me?"  Our focus was to work on opening up the chakras and raising our vibrational frequency to a lighter/higher state.  We studied the symbols the "Ankh", the "Pentagram", the "Seed of Life", and the "Vesica Piscis."  The healing Ankh of ancient Egypt is a powerful symbol to use at the New Moon.  It symbolizes the feminine (womb) and the masculine (phallis) and the flow of these energies.  This symbol can be used to send healing energy to someone by entering their name in the oval (womb), lighting a candle, and offering a meditation at the New Moon.  The Pentagram has a similar purpose; it's symbolism being a circle containing a 5 pointed star (triangles) creating a pentagon in the center.  The outer circle being water, the five points being air, fire, water, earth, love (elements).  The pentagon symbolizing the Goddess:  divine feminine energy.  Placing items (crystals, stones) into the center of the pentagon facilitates communication with other-worldly beings, guides.  The Vesica Piscis is a symbol of two circles intersecting with each other creating the shape of an eye; symbolizing the combining of the masculine/feminine energies and opening the "third eye" or intuition, creative energy.  We also studied the Seed of Life symbol; 7 circles intersecting creating a flower of life in the center.  All of these are symbols to elevate consciousness and vibrational frequency (harmonic vibration) to free you of emotional, fear-based energy while inviting guidance from higher consciousness/spirit beings.


Robbyne had several gifts for us throughout the day which she annointed with her oils which had been created while visiting various sacred, energy charged locations.  We received stones from the Ganges river in India - Shiva Lingam stones - prosperity stone - symbol of divine creative manifestation.  We received a Peacock Ore stone - known as the chakra stone, it cleanses and balances the chakras helping to calm your thoughts and resonates with the third eye helping you to rediscover forgotten, ancient esoteric knowlege.  We also received a Yew tree twig with yew oil and a pine seed - symbolizing longevity, strength, immortality, rebirth, change, divinity.

 

 

Yew

 

Peacock Ore

Seed of Life



2013 was a year of purging - releasing untruths, face fears, move through sudden and dramatic change.  2014 bringing transformation and manifestation of dreams.  We learned about the "Medulla Oblongata" or the dream center.  This is an 8th chakra opening your consciousness to ancient knowledge and your soul's purpose.  It regulates the connection your consciousness has with higher dimensions.  Oddly enough, I have been feeling a dull, achey, buzzing feeling on the back of my head in this area for about 6 months - also at my lower back.  Robbyne told me this is a sign that this chakra is trying to open.

We experienced the song of the dolphin and whale through tuning forks that Robbyne had custom made.  The frequency of the dolphin and whale "song" was created by a mathemetician and a musician.  She came to each of us, one by one, placing the tuning fork at certain points; third eye chakra, heart chakra.  She said that she spotted a whale spout at the surface that morning (beautiful ocean view at the hostess' home).  Later, she used a "Dragon" frequency tuning fork.  This was a very deep, resonating - almost a heart beat - vibrational quality which, I believe was to ground you with the earth's lay lines - energy grid.  We learned that the dolphin's fins when x-rayed look like a human hand (I also read that our brains are almost identical to dolphin and whale).  Their blow hole/spout is actually their dream center that remains open.  Swimming with the dolphins and experiencing their vibrational frequency realigns your chakras and balances energies - immediately.  It has been very therapeutic for people - including autistic children and those experiencing depression.  They are definitely very closely connected to humans.

We also learned the "Dolphin's Breath" exercise.  In times of stress or encountering negative energies or experiences - take one deep breath followed by exhaling 7 times, releasing air as a dolphin through its blow hole.  This will help you maintain energy balance and not be brought into another's drama.

It was a very interesting day.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be completely exhausted or charged up by the time I got home.  I think I was both.  Robbyne had items for sale - books, oils, and fire and ice crystals from Brazil.  They are super clear, crackled crystals with lots of rainbow colors when held in the light.  I bought one to take home and continue the energy work and meditation.  It was nice to be around such positive, spiritually connected people.  I want to investigate more into the Dream Center chakra since I've had this mysterious buzzing/aching in that area for some time.

2013 was definitely a year of change and growth for me.  Everything seemed to happen so fast.  The events of last fall are now like a blip on my radar.... but profound and powerful.  I am looking forward to the transformative power in the coming year.... and tapping into the power of manifestation of dreams.  I feel like I've already set the energy in motion with a few recent events.... and some exciting things in the works.  More on that to follow!

Namaste.


http://whitewolfjourneys.com/upcoming-events/awakening-the-seed/

Shiva Lingam Stones

 

 

 

RECEIVED THE "ALL CLEAR" FROM MY DOCTOR!


Lymph Node biopsy:  Benign

Surrounding Tissue (margins):  Benign

Happy Girl!  Had some celebratory champagne!

WELCOME, FALL! What I Did on My Summer Vacation.

Welcome, Fall!!!  The Santa Anas have been around for a few days; the proof is on the Kleenex tissue in the morning.  TMI.  Dry nose, dry legs, dry mouth, dry eyes.  This will pass, though, and we will be greeted with brisk, chilly mornings and bright, clear days - watching colorful leaves skip across the sidewalk and enjoying the smell of cozy fires burning in fireplaces in the neighborhood.  It is my goal to turn my house into a Halloween house of horrors by end of weekend.  I so love the arrival of Fall .

It was an interesting summer, to say the least.  Lots of fun activities and events in the beautiful outdoors!  Concerts in the park - Ladera Ranch, Dana Point, Aliso Viejo.. Days at the beach - Crystal Cove State Park and "refreshments" at The Beachcomber Cafe.. Camping with the family at Doheny Beach.. many trips to the OCFair and summer concerts - The GoGo's, Roger Daltrey, Weezer..

August is a blur.  I decided to get caught up on all of my health screening appointments including my first Colonoscopy.  OB/GYN exam, PAP, Blood Tests, Mammogram, Dermotologist checkup, the lovely pre-exam Prep followed by Colonoscopy - check, check, check, and check, all clear.  Oops.  Called back for follow-up Mammo and ultrasound.  This happened with my first Mammo (horrified now to say that I'd had only one at age 40 and I am now 52) and the ultrasound showed only fluid filled cysts and all clear!  Surely this is the same, right?  Um, we need to do a biopsy on this.  Fuck.  The ultrasound tech and the radiologist have zero Poker Face skills.  I could see it on their faces that it wasn't good - but I was still trying to keep the upper hand on vulnerability and keep a positive attitude until all the facts were known.  OK, back in a few days to do the biopsy.






A lot of nervous waiting involved in this process but the biopsy was a piece of cake, no real discomfort or after effects.  Now an excrutiating two days waiting to receive the pathology report.  They won't tell you over the phone; it all has to be way more dramatic than that.  So, I was a zombie for those days.  No one knows anything about this yet, aside from two girlfriends at work.  My appointment is first thing in the morning, 7:45.  I make the drive from home to the imaging center, stomach and heart and a number of other organs in my throat.  Rather dizzy with anxiety, I make the walk from the parking lot to the imaging center; trying to manage my anxiety with various affirmations, meditative practices - trying to stay centered and composed and "behind" the fear.  I manage to get my name out correctly to the receptionist and I let her know I am here for biopsy results.  


It's all a little fuzzy, but here's how I remember it going down:   The "nurse navigator/counselor" comes out and takes me to a counseling room and leaves to get the radiologist.  Yes, Ms. No Poker Face returns with a sheet of paper which is my pathology report.  I don't even remember her saying hello, good morning, who are you? ... nothing.  The nurse navigator and radiologist sit down on the sofa across from where I am sitting and the radiologist just hands me the report and points to the highlighted area and, I am sure, she must have said it's ductal carcinoma, although I do not really remember.  Moderately Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma associated with Ductal Carcinoma In Situ.  OK.  Wow.  She must have said it's a low to intermediate grade (non-aggressive) tumor approximately 5mm so pretty tiny.  I never felt it, doctor didn't feel it.  Behind dense tissue.  With the new technology, they can now find a 2mm tumor.  Can't really tell you what was said as my memory is fogged with massive doses of adrenaline.  Radiologist leaves and nurse navigator takes me back to her office to discuss the diagnosis. 


I am very composed.  Started asking questions about the size, stage, type of cancer (still don't like even saying that word).  She gives me the first glimmer of hope in saying that it's low grade, ductal cancer, moderately infiltrating beyond the duct.  She says it could very possibly be treated with lumpectomy and radiation.  I hate the thought of radiation.    I remain composed and focused on getting a handle on what I have just been told.  Suddenly, I think - "How am I going to tell my family this?  How am I going to tell my son?"  Breakdown begins.  Nurse navigator starts handing me tissues as I try to mop up the tears right from the eyelid before they even start streaming down my meticulously, mineral powder make-up and blush adorned face.  I am not walking out of here looking like a blubbering, spineless, hysterical, weak person.  I am actually concerned about upsetting the women out there in the waiting room who will have to watch me walk through to exit.  At this highly emotional, scary, dramatic, life changing moment - I am worried about upsetting the women in the waiting room.  

Nurse navigator breaks out a huge notebook and a thick portfolio of information.  She starts going through section by section, page by page, all of the info on treatments, pre-op procedures, sentinel lymph node biopsy, radiation, breast preservation, wire localization - there's a little journal to use, contact sheet for nurse navigators, support group info....  dizzy, dizzy, dizzy.  Do we need to talk about all of this TODAY?  Way too freaking much information, missy.  Then she tells me the binder is for me to take home.  What?  There's also the thick pamphlet from the American Cancer Society.  I don't fucking want that!  Get me out of here.  These people are way too dramatic for me.  In hindsight, they really made a scary, stressful situation even worse with their drama. 

Sunglasses on.  Binder and portfolio in hand, I begin the walk of shame.  Why it felt like a walk of shame?  I guess because you just cannot feel more freaking vulnerable than walking out of the breast imaging center counseling office with arms full of cancer publications wearing sunglasses.  Nurse navigator asks me if I "have anyone at home?"  Um, no.  I live alone.  "But you have friends and family who support you?"  Yes, of course.  .. and I have my dogs.  Geez.  I am not weak and I am not dying!  I make the walk through the waiting room, make the walk out of the building and into the parking structure.  Make the walk to my car.  Toss the binder and portfolio into the back seat - the binder pops open and falls apart. 

Sitting in my car, really falling apart now.  I call a good friend.  She is experienced in this as she works with stage 4 people in really bad shape and brings them back to health with naturopathic treatments and good nutrition.  She is not only a close, treasured friend, but the one I need to tell NOW.   I somehow caught her at a good time to talk.  I manage to get the words out.  She is in shock herself  - "I didn't expect to have to counsel YOU."  Me either, Honey.  Me either.  I read the pathology report to her and she is amazing and comforting and consoling.  She understands the diagnosis to be very treatable and considers me a very lucky girl.  "This is low grade and non-aggressive, the Her2 report (likelihood of spreading and recurrence) is Negative.  Angiolymphatic involvement (involvement in blood vessels and lymphatic system) is Negative.  This just needs to be plucked out!"  I will be forever grateful for her for her wisdom, love, and support at this very frightening moment.

Not sure if I can go into work just yet.  So, I drove home.  Texted my coworkers and let them know I am not sure if I will be in.  Feel free to break the news to the boss(es) for me.  Trying to regain composure.  Doing make up repairs.  I managed to get a grip and went into work around Noon.  Hugged my co workers who I had told.  Not anywhere near ready to talk with the boss(es) just yet.  Glad that I don't have to. 

So, here begins my medical odyssey.  The days and weeks to come prove to be a bit of a scary roller coaster.  I made the calls to family and friends... and made it through the call to my son.  People will tend to follow your lead so I did my best to present the "best possible situation" with the "sunniest of dispositions" - the news will be received with the least amount of fear, worry, and drama as possible, which is what I wanted.  I began to review the lists of breast surgeons provided by the imaging center and also ask for recommendations from my friend who is connected in this area.  I made appointments with two surgeons.  They both presented the same treatment plan with the same very positive attitude for an easy fix.  I opted for the doctor (female breast cancer survivor) who was very close to my home.  She gave me the info about surgery, the Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy done during surgery, and advised me about a new "research protocol" in radiation treatment called Intra-Operative Radiation Therapy.  This procedure has been used in Europe for over 10 years and has FDA approval for clinical trials and now research here in the U.S.  It has been in research protocol here for between 6-8 years or so.  This is a one-time radiation treatment done following the lumpectomy. 

The Radiation Oncologist inserts a catheter into the lumpectomy bed and the equipment inflates a balloon into the area.  This provides data that is used to program the equipment and calculate the area to be radiated.  The radiation being the most intimidating and scary part of the whole process - this made so much sense to me!  So, I signed up and will be part of the study program for 5 years.  I schedule a consultation with the Radiation Oncologist for the IORT treatment and she is a brilliant and lovely young Indian woman. I get a good vibe from her and she answers all of my questions and eases my concerns about the procedure.

The doctor also advises me that oncological reconstruction may be advised.  After the lumpectomy and radiation, the tissue will shrink and harden and there will most likely be "dimpling" and possibly " turning" of the affected breast.  So, I have a consultation with the plastic surgeon as well and opt for the reconstruction - which includes lift and reduction to achieve symmetry.  

I had a family camping trip planned for the last week in September and I asked the doctor if it is possible to get everything scheduled and have surgery done before my trip?  She said that it might be better to just go and enjoy the camping trip and have surgery the following Monday morning.  So, that's what I did.  With all of the details ironed out, all of the information I need in hand, a better understanding of my treatment plan and all good reports, I am able to relax and move forward in September.  My doctor had also taken blood for the genetic testing  - which came back Negative!  I really feel like the luckiest girl in the world. 

In times of change, discovery, and challenge, I always try to look deeper into the situation to see what lesson lies within.   While I went through many moods and experienced full spectrum emotions, I think the most significant take away for me would be to be open and accepting (open to receive) the love and support offered by loved ones.  I am the one to deal with challenges of any sort - on my own, feeling strong and self-sufficient - often more comfortable offering support to others than asking for it myself.  This has a lot to do with letting go of the need to be in control, learning to trust, learning to receive love.

Rewind to day of diagnosis:  While speaking with my friend about the pathology report, she is a bit shocked that she is the only one who knows about my situation.  I really wanted to wait until I knew what I was dealing with before standing on the rooftops and announcing to my loved ones what was going on - but I get how she would think I should have reached out to SOMEONE.  I took this as a cue to make an appointment with a therapist she had recommended to me months ago.  I was thinking about seeing him about relationship issues I have experienced and, being recently single again, I wanted to be well-equipped to manifest the best possible new relationship in the future.  So, I started that new path as well. 

Three days after the diagnosis, I have a 'first meet date" with an interesting man who came up on my "your matches" list on match.com.  I had actually cancelled my subscription being very weary of the parade of fools I had been meeting.  But, low and behold, under the wire, this one looked different, somehow, so I opted to talk to him on the phone and then meet.  It turned into a six hour date.  Three hours talking at the bar - then moving to a table for dinner for another three hours.  It has been a very welcome distraction getting to know him and after five lovely dates, he seems like a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, spiritual, sweet, romantic man who shares many of the same passions in life as I do.  More to follow on this :)

Surgery was six days ago.  Everything went as planned.  I basically had a partial mastectomy; the surgeon removed the tumor and surrounding tissue, the radiation oncologist did the IORT treatment, the plastic surgeon then came in and removed part or most of the radiated area, did some redistributing of tissue to fill in the space, then lifted and reduced other side as well to make the girls match.  I had drain tubes on each side with a bulb on the end to measure and dispose of fluids.  It was an all day ordeal. 

My sister and her boyfriend came to stay the night before surgery as we needed to be there at 8AM.  My  sweet sister was with me the whole day - while her boyfriend stayed home with all of our doggies.  First procedure was nuclear medicine - injection of radioactive tracers and digital imaging to map the lymph nodes.  Next, wire localization procedure.  A mammogram is done and wires inserted to point the surgeon to the exact tumor site and the titanium "marker" which was inserted during biopsy.  Next, surgery center for pre-op questions, forms, I/V, etc.  Plastic surgeon arrives first to mark me up like a tailor doing alterations.  The breast surgeon arrives and we are almost ready.  She tells me that she is only going to remove the "first in line" Sentinel node and send out with tissue for pathology.  This means she is confident enough in an "all clear" report to forego the "freeze section biopsy" during surgery. 

After the RN blows out two veins trying to insert the I/V, she called in another nurse and she got it done in one try.  They have me on a bag of fluids, antibiotic, and just before rolling in to surgery, they give me Benadryl and a sedative.  I feel the cold Benadryl going through my veins and it felt like it went straight to my adrenals in the middle of my stomach.  I told them "I am going to be out before you even give me the anesthesia" and I was.  Last memory is saying bye to my sister as she goes off to waiting area and I'm being wheeled in to surgery. 

Five hours later, I am groggy as hell and trying to wake up.  It takes me about an hour and 1/2 to fully wake and be able to talk.  My sister tells me that I was swearing about the awful taste of chemicals in my mouth and complete dry, cotton mouth.  She is feeding me water through a straw and saltines so that they are sure I am not nauseous before leaving.  They help me to the restroom; I can hardly stand or walk straight.  They put me in a wheelchair and off we go.  I think I was pretty chatty and slurry on the ride home.  We stopped to get food for them (I will have chicken noodle soup before taking my pain meds).  My sister sees a car swerving into other lanes ahead of us.  A drunk driver.  I see him go way into the lane on the right and tell her, "Call 911!  Pull next to him!  Roll down my window!"  We pull next to him and I say, "Are you alright?  You were swerving."   He is clearly intoxicated and gets very rude and irate with me.  He says, "Are YOU alright?  Why don't you go fuck yourself?"  "I am just trying to help you, man."  He says more rude things and we give his license plate to 911 operator as he turns into a neighborhood.  I guess that drug cocktail made me all ballsy.

My sister and her boyfriend stayed to keep me supervised until Tuesday afternoon when I was getting around better and managing my meds.  Today is day 6.  I had my follow-up with the plastic surgeon and he said that I looked fantastic for three days post-op.  He took off those awful drains that had been like my little twin babies for three days.  They were clipped to my surgical "sports" bra to keep them elevated and the pressure off the stitch keeping it in place and, during showers, I had to tie them to a string and put around my neck.  Cute, huh?  I told him that I am avoiding the mirror when getting into the shower - it's all a bit shocking with the ink markings, blood, stitching, all covered with surgical glue.  Just in time for Halloween, it's FrankenBoob! 

Finished with antibiotics, switched to Tylenol and planning to get back to work tomorrow, at least half day.  It's been quite a week.  My boobs seem so small to me, and I am not used to actually seeing my nipples down there.  The doctor assures me that I am still about a D cup and that, once the swelling goes down in a couple weeks, they will "relax" and not look so smashed back into my chest.  : )



I've recently recommitted to writing; something I loved when I was young and hope to reignite my creative self.

This is my first blog.  This is my first blog entry.  I had ice cream for lunch today and, for a snack, a big marshmallow.  I hope to get the creative flow going here and hope that you will enjoy the trip with me.  Thank you for joining me!