My plan was to get up early, get showered and dressed (49ers shirt, crop jeans, Converse sneakers are the costume for the day) and try to beat the crowds at Trader Joe's. I will get my holiday dinner shopping done early, spend a few hours relaxing and watching my recorded shows from the week, and then head over to Stacey's as she invited me over for a little football viewing party.
Shopping is a success. I got a brined, 18 lb turkey, scored some Egg Nog and Pumpkin ice cream to go with the Pumpkin Crisp Cake I was going to make, bought some extra items for the OC Food Bank collection box outside the store - and splurged for the decadent English Toffee and some Peppermint Bark Waffle Crisps. It's always a relief to get a big task taken off your list and have time to spare. I was home putting the groceries away. Made room in the fridge for the big turkey, got the wine chilling, then my phone rang. It was Stacey's friend, Karen. Oh, she must be feeling better. Maybe she is going to join us for football? "Hi, Karen!" She still sounds a little under the weather. I can't really remember her exact words but she sounded very serious - speaking slowly. "I am at Stacey's. Her son was in a car accident this morning. He passed away." What?! What?! My stomach shrank and fell out of my body onto the floor. I am having a hard time even processing what she just said. "Oh my God!" Which son? She has three. I am so shocked that I am blanking on her son's name. "Josh? The son that lives with her?" She said, "That's her older son. It was Nick." "Oh my God.... I don't even know what to say! This is horrible!" We both start sobbing and my mind is flooded with visions and memories of Stacey's sweet son, Nicholas. How can this be? This day that started out very orderly with the most efficiently executed plan was now derailed into something quite different.
"I don't think we're going to be watching football." "Of course not - does she still want me to come over? Please ask her if she wants me to come. If she is too overwhelmed, I understand, but just let her know that if she wants me to come, I will." "I will ask her and text you." Sobbing, we hang up. About a minute later, Karen texts: She wants you to come. I run upstairs to take off the 49ers shirt and put on something else. I phoned my friend, Tracy, to let her know what had happened and she said she would meet me there. How am I going to be strong for her? This is every parent's worst nightmare. I feel like my emotions are complely short-circuiting. I went from feeling elated, accomplished, optimistic, excited - to feeling shock, confusion, disbelief, and sorrow for my sweet friend who has just received devastating news. Talk about putting things into perspective - instantaneously. Any worriesome thoughts or concerns of my own have been numbed out.
I arrived at Stacey's apartment. Karen is there, Stacey's boyfriend, Rick. Stacey is on the sofa on Skype with her family in Greece. I hug Karen and Rick and go to the sofa and sit next to Stacey. She is relaying the story to her mother and sister, speaking Greek, introducing me to them. All I can do is hug her and tell her I am sorry and I am there. Her brother is on his way - driving from northern California. Her two older sons are making plans to fly in from Boston. Her parents are elderly and not well so her sister will be the only one coming from Greece. Between the three of them, I begin to piece the story together. Nick was out with his friends Saturday evening. He was at one of their homes and either stayed up or slept until 4:00 AM when he started driving home - apparently, to get some sleep before having to get up for work. Witnesses on the freeway said that he started swerving and it appeared that he fell asleep. He went off the freeway at El Toro Road - he went over the side of the road, his car rolling across El Toro and slamming violently into the concrete retaining wall at the I-5 South on ramp on El Toro - around 4:30 AM.. It was a horrible and violent death. The Coroner/Sheriff knocked on her door at 8:00 AM delivering this shocking news - all while Stacey's mom and sister were still live via Skype and could hear the screams of a horrified and grief-stricken mother.
Tracy arrived and we spent the afternoon consoling and supporting Rick and Stacey as she searched for Nick's close friends on Facebook so that she could ask them to call her. She wanted to deliver the news herself before they read about it online. Ex-girlfriends, childhood friends, schoolmates... each one shocked and crying out in grief with the news. Stacey is remarkably strong for them. Other friends start arriving along with three friends from her church offering support, bringing food. She is already in contact with her priest and beginning the process of planning a memorial service for her son.
I have known Stacey for just under a year. We met on SuperBowl Sunday at a local sports bar. My friends and I were sending Jello Shots back and forth with her and she came over to meet and chat and we've been great friends ever since. I have come to know her as a very sweet, genuine, kind, and generous woman. She had met Karen a few months prior - at the same bar - at the beginning of football season. She met her boyfriend, Rick, soon after. I remember her saying, "It's hard to make new friends - I'm so glad we met." The universe knew. Stacey was going to need an extra network of support. Her older boys lived on the east coast, her brother and other family members all a great distance away.
What do you say to your sweet friend who has just lost her baby to a devastating car accident? He fell asleep - and now he is gone. They were so close. Stacey made sure she was home on Sunday evenings to make dinner and have family time with Nick. She is a nursing student and Nick was also attending college. He was a remarkable athelete; a star football player from Pop Warner all the way to high school. Injuries kept him from going forward with a football career. I first met Nick at Stacey's birthday dinner in February. He was with his girlfriend and they were so adorable together. they were chatting and laughing and seemed to enjoy each other's company so much. He was very tall and handsome. I told him that he looked just like Rick Fox from the Lakers. He said that people say that a lot - he had pics of Rick Fox in his phone. He reminded me so much of my own son; he was happy to spend the day with his mom and her friends. We went to a concert in the park "taste of Rancho" festival earlier this year and he spent the whole day with us. There were food vendors and other merchandise booths and one was a fitness training company. Stacey and Nick did a mother/son "plank challenge" together. I saw him other times at Stacey's and he was always sweet, polite, friendly, and charming. I remember picking Stacey up one evening and, as we were driving out of the apartment complex, we saw Nick coming in and we stopped so Stacey could tell him she would be home later. He waved to us and said, "I love you guys."
I had told my son about Nick and said that I hoped he could meet him some time - "He's just like you." They have the same, kind, sweet soul. The kind of kid that everyone loves. Always a bright smile, great sense of humor. Everyone wants to be around someone like that; to be in their light.
Now he is gone. Searching for the right words. Wanting to be there for my friend and say the right thing to ease her pain and help her try to make sense of the unthinkable. Sitting across the table from her - "This is why we met. You met Karen, then me and my friends, then Rick. The universe knew that this was coming and you would need friends around you for support." It all just fell into place. Very timely and orderly. Like my morning shopping outing; up and dressed for the day. I knew I needed to get a head start on the day - but the universe had a different reason. A different day altogether. Inspiration. Order. Disruption. Chaos. Working our way back to inspiration and order. "Maybe his soul had reached some sort of completion? Maybe it was just his time? There's a bigger picture that we can't wrap our minds around right now - but his soul knows. I don't think that he would be taken if it wasn't his time to go."
Trying hard to search within my own heart for some sense of order in this grave disorder. Wouldn't there have been some sort of intervention to save him if it wasn't his time? This was a very sudden, swift departure. He went to sleep and went to God. Did it have to be so violent? Trying to do the right, responsible thing - driving home to get ready for work and, in an instant, he dozes off and meets a devastating, violent end to his young life (he was 22). There will be an investigation and autopsy. The mortician says that his body is so devastated that they can't even put clothes on him. He is identified by his fingerprints and tattoos; his face is unrecognizable. A mother, so crushed with grief and longing for closure and needing to hold her son once more. The mortician allows her to visit his body which is covered with a sheet - she is advised not to look upon her son's face and body. She is grateful to be near him - to simply hold his hand, touch his toes. She is brave and determined to be with her son - to say her goodbyes, tell him she is so sorry that this happened to him, rest in peace my sweet son. Mommy misses you so much.
She is wearing his clothes and sleeping in his bed. Do whatever it is that brings you comfort. They were able to recover some of his personal items but there are still things missing that she must try to find. His watch, his cross necklace engraved with his name - all lost in the impact of the crash. She wants us to meet at the site to search the area to see if we can find Nick's belongings. Precious pieces of a life. Things to look upon and hold. Personal things still holding his energy.
The memorial service and burial arrangements are complete. Family, friends, co-workers, teachers, coaches - all ready to gather and say goodbye to a beautiful, young soul. The viewing is tomorrow evening and the funeral Monday morning. Being a single mom and nursing student, Stacey is not financially prepared for this. A friend of hers told us about a fund raising website where we could network and help her raise money for Nick's memorial service. I set it up last Wednesday and it has already raised over $6,500 which will be a great help to her. The costs will likely exceed $10,000 so we are continuing to share the fund link via social media and wherever possible. He was loved by so many and it has been amazing to see the thoughtfulness and generosity of people he touched in his life.
Nicholas Thomas Memorial Fund
http://www.gofundme.com/hs1db4
Garth Brooks - "Mom"
For Stacey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyWADizqtHk
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